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October 9th, 2008

11:26 pm - Goals 2 and Thanksgiving thoughts
Well, I'm finally done my resume and personal letter for school. It took a little while and I was procrastinating doing it forever, but once I got into it, it wasn't so bad. That's probably what school's going to be like too, like in the past. Just wondering if I really need to describe my volunteer experience from like 6 and 4 years ago, and I need some input about both documents.

Glad this week's a bit calmer in terms of work... well, glad, and not glad, because I lose money... but I needed a lil break. Worked out at the gym for 3 days this week so far, happy about that... gonna work out there again tomorrow, perhaps meet a producer, and then meet a friend late at night.

In terms of work, just need to work on IF related stuff like groups, making teaser vids, and I need to add to my modelling resume. I'm working on a site for modelling too, just to link to my resume and some pictures. Someone I've been regularly working for has been kind enough to buy a domain for me and get me set up. It's the company in Kitchener... I did an adult education vid for them and an infomercial for a massager this week... that was interesting :)

I didn't eat much today, lol, and I feel full so I'm happy about that too. Enjoying a nice glass of white wine now, Two Oceans from South Africa. All in all, things are decent... the only thing bothering me is a friend's birthday is coming up and I don't get along with the host and her partner. I'm still mad at him for taking things so personally... I guess I'M taking it personally too. And I felt like he acted cold about some things, like my birthday and the health scare I had. That's hurtful. Granted, it seemed like I was cold too by ignoring his calls, but he knew right from the start I wasn't a phone person. I don't understand why he got so mad, and stayed mad. But I'll probably try my best to make the party anyway. I feel like me and my friend are growing apart, but I know it's probably just that we're both busy... I think.

Thanksgiving is this weekend... it crept up. Holidays are always a bit off for me since I don't have anyone to spend them with really... haven't talked to family in nearly five years, and friends are usually busy with their families or partners. I understand. I made the decision to move out, so it's just one of the repercussions I had to face, so suck it up. I'd be lying though if I said I didn't miss my family. I do, and I think about them almost every day. I'm still sad that things didn't work out and I miss having the security and the facade. But things are the way they are. I'm a big girl, I can handle holidays without anyone. *shrug* I'm probably shooting on both days for the weekend anyway. Definitely Sunday.

Anyway, didn't want to end things on a negative, self pitying note... but I had to get that stuff out, at least a little. Generally I'm feeling ok.

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03:24 am - Goals
- work out for at least 1.5-2 hrs at least 5 days a week... I slacked off considerably when I was getting lots of work, but that's no excuse... I gained a bit of weight and though it's likely muscle mass because I can now do planks for longer and lift heavier weights, I want a more trim stomach and eventually more muscle definition there, and on my arms too. Calves would be nice too but not a priority. I'm determined to accomplish this goal...

- work on resume and personal letter for school

- drink tea or eat fruit or yogurt or something to avoid eating out of boredom

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September 20th, 2008

10:45 am - Echoing the previous (private) entry's title...
Wow, I was in a really nasty mood eh? I feel considerably better now, maybe because I got distracted doing my finances and applying for school. Just applied for the first year BA Psychology program at the Keele campus of York University, paid my application fee, etc. Just need to find out whether I send in my resume, personal letter, and transcript right away, or if I have to wait till I'm accepted. Probably right away because how can they accept me without knowing my grades, but will call the univ to confirm that and some other things. So tired... going to go back to sleep for a bit then run a bunch of errands.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Starz- The Smashing Pumpkins

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August 26th, 2008

03:54 am - More school thoughts
Ok... I am thinking of going to York Univ, Glendon campus for a BA in Psychology... U of T just offers Psychology as a B.Sc. and I don't want to study Psychology on a scientific basis... York also has the Keele campus that offers Psych as a BA but that campus is farther. Just have to call tomorrow and ask if I HAVE to study courses in both French and English, since Glendon is a bilingual campus. As much as I like the French language, I stopped studying it after Grade 11 when I dropped out for a bit, so it's going to be hard to take univ courses in French. The deadline for part time studies starting January is November 1st... much better than U of T's deadline. 
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: "Time"- Timbaland

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August 23rd, 2008

08:35 am - School
Tired now, so just going to jot down a few notes so I don't forget...

Looks like for all of the U of T campuses, I missed the deadline for the next semester... part time programs don't run in January, fuck... The deadline was in June and early July. So the next semester starts in May and the deadline is in March... that's so far away. Going to look into York Univ part time programs tomorrow... there's not really any other univs in Toronto, other than Ryerson, and Ryerson is more tech/business oriented, but I will look into that too. Ideally, I'd like to attend the St. George campus for U of T, since it is the closest, but I can deal with Scarborough or Mississauga, too.

However, for St. George, Psychology is only offered as a Bachelor of Science program, and I need Grade 12 Calculus, Functions, and Biology recommended. For the Scarborough campus, it is also offered as a Bachelor of Science program, but Grade 12 Science, Calculus, Functions, and Data Management are only listed as "recommended". For my last choice in terms of U of T campuses (since it is one of the farthest), Psychology again is listed under Bachelor of Science programs; one Grade 12 math is required and Biology is recommended.

The problem is that I don't have any Grade 12 maths or sciences :( Just Grade 11. Well I have one Grade 12 Calculus credit that I got by accident (they put it on my transcript and I never took that course... lol according to my transcript, I have a 90% in Grade 12 Calculus). Well if I want to go to U of T, I have to wait till March to apply anyway so I could just take the math or science as a high school correspondence course. Still have to look into York and Ryerson, hopefully they offer Psych as an Arts degree... that is what I had planned anyway, since I suppose I'm more interested in the social and behavioral aspects of psychology as opposed to the chemistry and science behind it. I would say that I'd take Sociology or Anthropology instead, but then it's more geared towards groups as opposed to the individual.

Too troublesome to travel outside of TO all the time, and I don't want to move... if I took a full time course load, I think I could attend school sooner than later but I don't think I can handle a full course load... especially since I want to do more modelling, travel, and still do my regular job. Plus it might cause me to relapse into my OCD like in the past. We'll see. I know I'm much better at time management when I have deadlines to adhere to, but I don't want to spread myself too thin. Plus how will I find time to work out and socialize and relax too, which are all still pretty important for well being.

I guess I was under the mistaken impression that all univs' deadlines for the January semester are in September, at least that is what Marc said... guess it doesn't apply to part time programs. Oh well... will do more research tomorrow. Have to work lots tomorrow too, I didn't work this week other than with Valon, shit... then heading out to Inside to buy Tania a few drinks for her bday, then Subspace... I kinda don't feel like going out, feeling more low key, but I sold my fet weekend passes to Teresa and I have to be there to give em to her. Oh well. If I get bored, I'll just leave... it should be fun. Or I'll just bail out on Tania's thing, though it's kinda mean since it's her bday. But she's going to have a bunch of her friends there, which would be kinda awkward for me too. It feels kinda awkward going to parties alone, even if I know people who are going to be there... but sometimes I don't like being tied down when I go with someone, either. Yeesh, I'm hard to please :P
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: "Out of Control"- She Wants Revenge

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August 10th, 2008

12:41 pm
I'm long overdue for some introspection and I really need it... at least the desire to manifest it here. I'm really pooped after a night of partying though, and an early personal trainer appointment... going to take a nap, but I will consider this as a raincheck. Not sure if I'm making sense, too tired :P
Current Mood: relaxedrelaxed

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July 13th, 2008

03:54 pm

I'm at an Internet cafe right now, doing something for work... not going to write a very long entry, just thought I'd jot down some thoughts and use up more than 5 mins of the hour of time I got. Oh, and to avoid the temptations of the Eaton Centre as much as I can.

I'm happy with myself for sticking to working out. I've been working out at the gym, or doing something active like taking a walk, running errands, almost every day for... I think two weeks? More so the former... the gym seems like my second home now, lol. I'm fortunate to have it so close to my house. But I've also been eating out more (hard to resist when Timothy's is right near the gym, and I have a weakness for their bacon breakfast sandwiches and matcha smoothies... not good!!), and napping more. I know I don't need to lose weight, but I want to eat healthier, for the obvious health reasons and for getting more energy. And I have been eating a bit healthier... been eating lots of greens and very little bread, but like I said, I've also been eating out a hell of a lot more. Well, I'll try my best to resist... choose healthier options when I go out, or eat before I go out. 

I also don't want to nap as much because it makes me feel lazy and groggy, wastes time, throws off my sleep cycle, and makes me sign onto work later. I'll try my best to do productive things when I feel sleepy, keep myself awake any way I can, and realize that if I lie down, I *am* going to fall asleep, lol. Have a coffee... whatever it takes. Speaking of which, I have been avoiding coffee a lot lately, unintentionally so, because I hate coffee... don't like the taste of it and don't like how it makes me jittery.

In terms of my fitness goals, I want to bulk up my arms a little bit more, so that the muscles are slightly more visible even when I don't flex. And I want a flatter tummy, possibly to the point where you can see my ab muscles. I also want my butt to be a bit more toned, and I want more energy in general. So these are the muscle groups I am mainly working on, in addition to running on the treadmill to build up energy. I have to remember to focus on these groups and persevere. I consider doing weights to be a considerable amount of work, while the treadmill is easier and a stress reliever for me. It is not 'easy', as it makes me sweat and pant, but it feels like having a really good cry or something. I can get lazy with the weights. But I'll keep doing reps until failure. My personal trainer said that if you want to bulk up, it is best to do heavier weights, less reps. If you want to tone up, smaller weights, more reps. I thought I heard that somewhere. I mainly want to bulk up for vanity purposes, lol. I don't do a lot of heavy lifting so I don't really need to be as strong as one of those champion heavy lifters... who actually look stocky, some of them. Some of the strongest people in the world aren't the muscle bound body builder types, I've heard.

So I will continue to try and get my ass to the gym almost every day, though I will allow myself to rest a day in between at the most, sometimes. Or take a walk or something. My ankle hurts because I think I pulled a muscle, doing too much time on the treadmill with improper shoes... I got some proper running shoes and I am going to take a break on heavy cardio. 

I also should spend as less time as possible on the computer because I'm getting repetitive strain injury... my hands and arms hurt from using the comp for just a few minutes, and throughout the day sometimes too. 

I also have some work related goals to tend to... looking into alternate revenue sources so when I go back to school, I won't have to work as many hours. I also have some people in mind whom I want to do my modelling portfolio pics, so that I can get some more paid modelling work. I don't really have the energy and money to invest in my own content right now, so I'm perfectly fine with modelling for other people. Also plan on travelling to Calgary in September for a week or so to chill with a friend and to do some work with him and others. Still have to save up for that... and I've never flown before! But the work I get should compensate for the ticket money and then some. Plus it'll be fun and an experience. I also need to research some stuff for school before I miss the deadline again... eek! I want to go to university for psychology in the winter semester, and eventually become a counsellor. It's a goal I've had in mind since I was 13... I've always wanted to do some kind of therapy. I really find people interesting and I really want to help people. I think I have the necessary skills and experience in order to do so. That's not to say I've learned all I need to learn... I certainly haven't. I will even go so far to say that it is the meaning of my life... I won't feel complete until I've reached this goal... or when I've written a book about my experiences in order to help people that way too.

I've been lazy, have been working out but missing my other goals... but I'll change that. 

Went to Savage with Kara and Paul last night... I had a really great time. It's always lovely hanging out with people you care about, and I love dancing and they had an awesome DJ. It was my first time there, but it won't be my last. 

I'm also thinking of getting my labret re pierced, and my nipples for sure *grins*. Been going tanning too, and I think I notice I'm a bit more brown... yay for vanity :D

Ok, have to get off this wicked box hehe :)

Current Location: Internet cafe on Yonge
Current Mood: hungryhungry

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